Law actually

COVID fallout ... Step-by-step ... State-by-state ... Anna Kretowicz takes us through a year of gyrations, fashions and fear of missing out ... Pork pies from the pizza shop ... Scotty's moment in the sun ... Lockdowns ... Goodbye section 92 ... 'Straya, we love you 

Whenever I get gloomy about the state of the world at the end of 2020, I think not about the arrivals gate at Heathrow Airport, as Hugh Grant's David Cameron did in Love Actually, because that would only serve as a grim reminder of the COVID world in which we live. 

Rather, I think about Auspol. General opinion is starting to make out that we live in a world lacking law and order, but I don't see that. It seems to me that Australia had its gyrations - up, down and sideways - nonetheless it emerged more or less intact on the other side of 2020. 

If you look for it, I've got a sneaky feeling that love (and law) actually, are all around. 

On March 8, 2020, happy holiday-goers departed from Sydney aboard The Ruby Princess, expecting a two-week round-trip cruise to New Zealand filled with extravagant nights at the Vegas Style Casino, putt-putting on the Princess links green and the unmissable opportunity to devour the Best Burger at Sea. Well, it sure wasn't the burgers that induced illness aboard, as Bret Walker SC detailed in a 318-page report: perfect summer reading.

Once the National Cabinet formed, with the marketing man at the helm, we fell head over heels into restrictions. On March 13, 2020, a restriction was imposed on non-essential, organised public gatherings of more than 500 people. By March 19, Australia's borders were closed to non-citizens and non-residents. 

States were making declarations of emergency and disaster, and Scotty channelled his inner Henry VIII - by embedding clauses in COVID-19 legislation allowing for amendments without parliamentary scrutiny. Jenny, the dutiful and exemplary wife, bought the essential support weapon: the humble jigsaw puzzle.  

Jenny: it's a puzzle

Rule-breakers were shunned and the law laid down. The PM scolded toilet paper hoarders, they were "un-Australian" and "ridiculous", while Dan The Man Andrews responded to a wealthy couple's post-Aspen frolic by warning that "... if some Victorians continue to act in a selfish way, then people will die". 

Chief Medical Officer Brendan Murphy was eager to chime in on hearing of an outbreak in Tasmania's north-west, but made his move too soon as it transpired to be little more than rumour. 

Eventually the States agreed that it was better to spend some time apart and interstate borders were shut. This was a struggle for most - the decision in July to shut the border between New South Wales and Victoria meant the two would be apart for the first time in around 100 years.

Chief Minister of the Northern Territory Michael Gunner made the heart-wrenching decision to cancel Cracker Night. This was on top of restrictions existing at the time limiting alcohol purchases, jeopardising Territorians' chances at getting "maggoted" on their special day. Gunner promised things would be back to normal in 2021 and they'd be back to doing what they love - "blowing stuff up". 

National Cabinet: flagged

Communication in relationships is essential, as the Victorian government learned in August. We've all felt the pain of being left out of group plans, and the state's Chief Health Officer Brett Sutton was no exception. He felt "astound[ed]" when he discovered that he was excluded from the process of planning hotel quarantine. Sutton felt FOMO, while the rest of the state felt the devastating impact of a second wave. 

Lying also tests relationships, as South Australians discovered. Premier Steve Marshall enforced a near Victorian-style lockdown when a man infected by COVID told health officials that he only went to the pizza shop in question to pick up his takeaway - sparking fear of a contagious outbreak. Unfortunately this turned out to be a lie, leaving Marshall "fuming" and earning himself membership into Sutton's Lonely Hearts Club.

Meanwhile, Dan The Man found a new love with fashion, coordinating his sartorial choices with the gravity of his announcements. According to David Milner's code, "Wearing a suit = real bad news; Sports jacket = moderately bad news; Northface jumper = it's the weekend". Wearing a suit on the weekend after 12pm signalled the worst. 

Western Australia seemed to be enjoying living out their twentieth-century dream of detaching from the federation, but Clive Palmer's heart ached and he sought the comforting arms of the judiciary. 

Andrews: Northfaced

He told the High Court his woes, arguing that border directions infringed the constitutional guarantee that interstate trade, commerce and intercourse should be "absolutely free". Lady Justice was unsympathetic with Chief Justice Susan Kiefel finding that the laws, insofar as they dealt with a "plague or epidemic" were lawful and the border closure "[did] not raise" constitutional questions.

While Palmer was left pining, the rest of Queensland chose to renew their electoral vows with Annastasia Palasczuk for a third time, making her the first woman to win three elections in Australian history. Talk about commitment. 

It's been a long year and it's still not quite over: the outbreak in Sydney's Northern Beaches has prompted another swift round of press conferences, lockdowns and border closures (does Northface do a summer range?). 

At least there's no risk of heading into 2021 with our trusty marketeer holidaying in Hawaii.