Gary Livingstone Seagull

Dorothy turns sneaky theft of her file into a clever advantage ... So clever, in fact, that it comes back to bite her ... Law firm strategies for manipulating partners and clients ... Client Seagull Syndrome 

I try to be dignified at all times, in the hope that people will think it is my natural state of being.

Occasionally, however, under circumstances of particular provocation, the guard disintegrates, and my true self is revealed in all of its messy outrage.

I was venting at George. 

Gary, my partner from another office of the same firm, swooped into town, visited a client of mine, cast aspersions on my character and professional capacities, and arranged for a file of mine to be transferred to him.

This was a work weeks in the making.

The first I knew of this was when Ivan rang me from his car phone to tell me the file was being transferred and to tell me to arrange to send my senior associate to the other office on secondment to work on it, because the client would not pay for someone else to get up to speed. 

Oh, and that there will be a "file review".

I have seen file reviews by Gary. It is a not particularly subtle form of assassination. Gary loves to deconstruct ... others. It makes him feel intelligent.

George sat back in his chair, with his arms behind his head, sporting a smile of wry amusement.

"Mate," he said.  "You've been seagulled."

"Seagulled?"

"Flies in, shits on you, steals your food, and leaves."

We ruminated on this for a short time.

"Don't take it personally. Gary is well known for it. He has no clients of his own so has to look for the clients of others. His is a bad case of CSS," George said.

I raised a questioning eyebrow.

"Client Seagull Syndrome. Always advises clients that they will lose because they have fucked-up in a monumentally stupid and obvious way. That way, if he turns out to be wrong, and wins, he will be a hero."

Further rumination. 

"Compare that with the scenario of telling the client it will win, and then losing."

"Ah. I see the advantage. Good strategy."

"Not really. The unfortunate side effect is that he is pretty unpopular with clients. Strangely, they don't like being told they are stupid. Hence the need to look around the firm for files to steal."

We ruminated further.

George said presently, "but seagulls only ever take the rubbish really. Because it is easy pickings. What is this file he has stolen?"

George had a point. This is the Voldemort of files.

If, while visiting the client head office, you speak its name, people dive under desks. 

The file is just a very large, very ugly manifestation of a client cockup made four years ago and which the perpetrator managed to keep hidden for 18 months. During that time it started to go irretrievably putrid.

Eventually the smell got so bad, someone noticed.

But nobody at the client wants to admit that it is irretrievable, because they would have to tell the CEO that a major write down is needed to the balance sheet.

Easier to keep hiring people to "trouble shoot" and "fix it up" and then blame them when they fail to do so.  The client turns over management personnel on it every six months.

I have written a mountain of advices explaining this, making recommendations and seeking instructions to apply a bit of glue, papier mâché and a lick of paint to the most egregious manifestations of putridity, and aiming for a quiet settlement. 

None of the advices or recommendations are followed, because the incumbent instructing never does anything.

Once he realizes that his great new job with the fancy title is just a shute which drops into a pile of uncollected garbage, which is already heavily populated with the bodies of his predecessors, he starts looking for an exit strategy. 

So, in between job interviews for his next position, he doesn't have the time to do any trouble shooting.

I explained this to George.

"Well, mate, it was only a matter of time before they start blaming the advisor. You should have sent it to Gary months ago."

"Oh thanks for that helpful advice. I kept thinking the next person might listen to me."

"Error," said George. "But not irretrievable."

"But what should I do? Gary's file review will ruin my career."

"No it won't" said George. "We just have to play it right."

"What you need to do is embrace the idea of giving it to Gary, make it your own. Make it look like you suggested it. Second pair of eyes, all that. But what you really need to tell everyone is that this file is a sure fire winner, and that you are sure that Gary is just the person to get the client together enough to have the big win within six months. Say it, and put it in writing. A lot. And keep raising it in partners meetings: the success Gary should be having on that matter sometime in the next three months and how jealous you are of him (in the most good natured friendly way) that he is the person who will get all the glory. Anyway you can help Gary to get the outcome the file deserves, short of actually doing any work on it." 

I followed George's advice to the letter. Today I got a copy of Gary's file review.

It is so flattering, it is almost embarrassing. He wants to send it back to me.